


never there

by sunflowertaetae



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Graphic Description, Kim Seungmin-centric, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Sad Ending, seunglix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 14:01:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20292634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowertaetae/pseuds/sunflowertaetae
Summary: healing will take time





	never there

**Author's Note:**

> I cried while writing this bc Minnie is so pretty and yet I had to write him as an insecure character and like :((( i made myself so sad lmao 
> 
> btw Seungmin is beautiful inside and out

Seungmin looked at this mirror, and then at Felix behind him. The boy gestured for him to start.

His voice was quiet when he spoke. “My eyes. They’re too small when I smile.”

“I like them. They make you look cute and innocent. Pretty.” Seungmin nodded at his boyfriend’s words.

“My hands. They’re too small.” Felix’s gaze flitted to his hands, and then back to his face. “They’re perfect for holding.” The words were ones Seungmin knew by heart; their routine was pretty much the same as the time before it, and the time before that one. Seungmin usually started with the same things, but sometimes he mixed it up. Though Felix’s response to every insecurity was repeated, their method was working. Seungmin could repeat the words to himself because there was no change in them; his eyes were wide and innocent, pretty, in Felix’s words. His hands were always the perfect size for holding; apparently, it was true, because there was rarely a moment that they weren’t together and holding hands or had linked pinkies. The pinkies were developed when Felix was in a life-threatening crash and practically gave Seungmin a heart attack. Somehow, he got out of it with only a scar down his stomach, and they always linked pinkies as a promise that they would never leave each other.

Seungmin had lost focus and for a minute he couldn’t see Felix in the mirror; but lo and behold, there he was when Seugmin looked. He smiled as if he knew what Seungmin was thinking.

“My forehead. It’s a little big.”

“More room to give you kisses. Plus, it shows you have a big brain.” There was a rule to their “body-positive time” (as Felix called it). When helping the other, they weren’t allowed to put themselves down in any way or use any part of themselves as an example. It was useless, and it wouldn’t help anyone. The time was mostly for Seungmin since he was still quite insecure, but Felix did it as well. He didn’t want to make his boyfriend do it alone.

“My ears. They’re small.” 

“The perfect size.” Felix was always so patient. He hadn’t complained about anything Seungmin said, even though he always accuse his body parts of being unproportional. Felix gave him the same look filled with adoration. When he would say something out of body-positive time his boyfriend would just shush him and reassure him how pretty and perfect he was. And Seungmin was starting to believe it, little by little. It had taken him a year to get here, but Felix was proud of his progress, and he felt proud too.

“My fashion sense is a little wonky.” Felix chuckled at the word; he did every time. Something about it was funny to him, though Seungmin never got it. Wonky wasn’t that odd of a word; was it?

“Your fashion sense is cute. There’s nothing wrong with the way you dress.” The physical things were only the surface of body-positive time and Seungmin slowly retrieved his next words from the very back of his mind. It wasn’t a subject that he enjoyed talking about with anyone, but it was a good transition into mental positivity time. Mental positivity time was created five months into their small therapy sessions because Felix had noticed Seungmin’s depression worsen. No, it wouldn’t completely solve his depression, but it would help, and Felix had wanted to do everything to help his boyfriend.

“My depression is hurting me.” It was the simplest way he could phrase it, but Felix had known what he was trying to say when he admitted it during their first session.

“You’re so strong for not letting it control you. You’re doing your best, and you’re doing amazing.” His face had the same fond look on it. In fact, it always did. Seungmin wondered why he always had that look on his face, and it almost drove him crazy, but he shook himself out of his thoughts. He just thought Seungmin was cute, that’s all. There was nothing wrong with looking at your loved one like that. Though Seungmin couldn’t remember the last time Felix said ‘I love you’, or even his name, but it didn’t matter. He knew when his boyfriend was speaking to him.

“I think my anxiety is getting worse.”

“But you’re fighting it. You’re doing well.” Seungmin didn’t respond. All he could think about was Felix’s face. It was sweet but the poor boy was unnerved. His blonde hair flopped so his bangs stopped right above his eyes. All they held was kindness, but Seungmin was only guessing by the way his eyebrows were creased cutely. From the view in the mirror, he couldn’t see very many details. His clothes went in and out of focus, but Seungmin figured that it was just his imagination. The sweater was orange (Seungmin hated the thing, so he had given it to his boyfriend, who seemed to enjoy the colour) and his jeans had quite a few rips in them. One went from his thigh to mid-calf, and it made him look a little naked from that side. The way he was standing made him look taller because his back was straightened out and his arms stood perfectly by his sides.

“I love you.” Usually, those words would conclude the session and Felix would go out of the bedroom to make something to eat and give Seungmin time to think before Felix started, but this time he didn’t. He just tilted his head and smiled a little wider, but his expression went back to the one before. It drove Seungmin insane. 

“Do you love me back?” Seungmin choked up at the words a little, confused at why his boyfriend didn’t respond.

Felix nodded, his face schooled into the same look. The way he moved his head was jerky and unnatural but Seungmin couldn't think of what it was. Then he realised; Felix’s hair didn’t move an inch. Neither did his eyes, mouth, nor body. Nothing but his neck. He had this quirky closed-mouth smile that would be on his face when he nodded like his mouth was stretched across his face. He usually closed his eyes. Yet he didn’t do anything other than move his head up and down.

When he stopped Seungmin saw his face. It was the same since the beginning of the body-positive session.

Seungmin lost it.

“STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!” He spun so fast he gave himself a headache. When he looked in front of the bed Felix wasn’t there.

He was never there when he turned around.

**Author's Note:**

> so?
> 
> follow my insta baffled_strawberries bc im fun to talk to


End file.
